Ugh, Duke just won. Someone hold my hair back as I upchuck. Maybe I need to lighten up, maybe Duke is the worst team in the last decade to win the NCAA National Championship. You decide for yourself. But if you chose the first one…YOU LIGHTEN UP! No one likes Duke. They’re the New York Yankees of college baseball. Which brings me to my point on this very eve. This past year in sports was atrocious. Just awful. Think about it. NBA…L.A. Lakers. Kobe. Ball hog. Whiner. Wiener. Whiner. Still working on that one. Remember that whole thing about him with the girl in the Colorado hotel room? Yeah, he got to hoist the NBA Championship trophy over his head this year. He and that 7 foot troll they call Pau Gasol. Barf. OK, that’s not fair of me; he seems like a decent guy. But then there’s Lamar Odom. All I have to say to convince you is his wife’s name: Khloe Kardashian. Nuff said. Let’s move on to baseball.
The below paragraph is grayed-out because it’s where I go on and rant about how much I hate the Yankees so much. I really do. I can’t stand them. I try not to be graphic and gross on this blog, but to give you an idea of how much they despise me, I would rather wipe my butt with a dried out pine cone than watch them win another playoff game. So you can imagine how painful it was for me to watch them win the World Series in November. I had a rough go in the late nineties too, buh thas a ho nuther stoorey boyee.
Now of course I have a bias against the Yankees. Mostly because they’re Satan’s ballclub but also because they have despicable members that make up their bandwagon worthiness. A-Rod for starters. Back around this time last year, David Ortiz (more affectionately known as Big Papi) was accused of using steroids during the past few baseball seasons. As sad as that was to hear about such a beloved sports figure in Boston, it was accepted and life went on. For some it was hard to swallow and now he has that burden to bear wherever he plays. HOWEVER, our slimy little foe Alex Rodriguez was accused at around the same time and he came out and openly admitted it. What have you heard about that since? NOTHING! Within 2 weeks, that story was gone and everyone went back to sniffing his farts pretending they’re potpourri. If you can’t already tell, I’m still a bit upset about it. Of course, the Yankees went on to win the World Series this past fall with one of the most potent lineups and pitching staffs in recent memory…and it only cost them 423,000,000. Yeah, I’m gonna give you a minute to count those zeros. That’s a tad shy of HALF A BILLION DOLLARS. The Yankees go out and buy whoever they want. That amount I just wrote up there is for 3 new players they added last winter. To understand how insanely ridiculous that is, understand that their are entire major league baseball teams, comprised of 40 grown men, that collectively make less than that per season. Now of course these filthy rich Yankees players aren’t making this all in one year. But you sign this massive contract and then get some type of signing bonus which is usually a couple mil, then there are performance incentives tacked onto your contract year by year. “Oh, you hit 40 home runs this year? Congratulations…here’s ten million dollars and you’re own private island complete with indigenous people group”. OK, yes, the Red Sox have some huge contracts out there for some current players, but nothing insane. Let’s break it down by each player’s contract and subsequently the words I use to refer to the Yankees:
I'll spit anyone of these hated terms depending on my mood.
So that’s a crap-ton of money. How much, you ask? Quick math, to the rescue! No drumroll necessary. I don’t need more encouragement. 887,500,00 million…MILLION dollars. That’s almost a billion dollars invested in 5 players. For all of you non-baseball-caring folk, you need nine players to adequately defend the field. Ubsurd. That’s all I have to say. And what happened, but they won the whole thing. I hate my life. Some people said their manager Joe Girardi did a great job this year. A poo-slinging ape could have coached them to a World Series and wrapped that shizz up in 5 games. I’m still bitter. Don’t talk to me about it unless you have more clever descriptions to bash them with. Ahhh deep breaths Kyle.
So where were we? Oh yes, you were offering me money to keep writing. What was that? To stop writing? Oh, well let’s agree to disagree. Psyche. I never agree.
Yeah, so, Lakers win, Yankees win, Duke wins. Lame – O. Hopefully the rest of 2010 isn’t so abysmal. Red Sox have a great shot but you know, I won’t be crushed if they don’t win it all. Yeah of course there will be a 2 week binge period where someone might find me at the bottom of a drained pool, but that’s to be expected. Seriously though, if the Tampa Bay Rays went all the way this year, I’d be pumped. Just as long as the Yankees don’t repeat. If the Cleveland Cavs step it up and dominate, great for them. If the Lakers win back-to-back titles, I’ll punch a kitten with my white hot rage. Good thing about college basketball is that you can’t play it forever so hopefully Duke doesn’t stand a chance. I hate Duke. Bleh. Even saying it reminds me what throwup tastes like.
Enjoy the graph. Sorry there aren’t more pictures. Let’s see, what could I just throw in here to make this more visually appealing. Something…that…everyone…would…enjoy…
Sorry, it was the best I could do on short notice